Cloverfield is seriously one of the worst movies of the past century. I can’t remember the last time I was treated to something this stupid. Better yet, I can’t remember the last time I was treated this stupid. In fact, let me save your $10 right now…

So the movie starts with Rob creepily filming his apparent girlfriend in bed, Beth. Then they have a cute moment while they eat strawberries or something and Rob talks about taking Beth to Coney Island because she’s apparently never been (remember this for the last scene). Cut to Rob’s apparent brother and Rob’s apparent brother’s girlfriend planning a going away party for Rob. Rob has apparently been promoted to Vice President of something and is moving to Japan. Here comes the party. Rob’s brother directs Rob’s best friend, Hudson, to film people at the party saying their farewells to the man of the hour. We find out Beth isn’t his girlfriend; he just slept with her. And when she shows up to the party with another dude, Rob isn’t cool with it. He goes out and contemplates his life/love on the roof or something when BLAM! Everyone thinks it’s an earthquake, but then they see the Statue of Liberty’s head roll down the street. They all go outside, buildings start crumbling and they begin hauling ass down the street.

Everyone begins walking across the Brooklyn Bridge when Rob gets a phone call from Beth. While no other cell phones work, these two have a perfect line together. And apparently, he’s the first person she calls. It sounds like she’s dying. Oh no. So they’re just walking along when BLAM! The Brooklyn Bridge collapses thanks to the monster and Rob’s brother dies. Oh no. We knew him for like 10 seconds.

So Rob feels the need to save Beth. He convinces the others in his party (Hudson, Rob’s brother’s girlfriend, and some random girl) to pony up a rescue mission in the middle of a monster attack on Manhattan. Sure. So they start heading through dark subway tunnels when they get attacked by these little aliens (they look like the guys from Aliens who plant seeds in your face). The crew starts getting messed up. But the random girl saves Hudson’s life by punching one of these suckers off of him. Hooray. They eventually find safety and the random girl is pretty messed up; perhaps she got bit (!!!). So they keep moving despite random girl bleeding to death and eventually find themselves in a department store when BLAM! Military people come out and point giant machine guns at them. Rob starts trying to convince one of the military peeps that they have to save Beth.

So they’re hanging around the military base, looking at hospital setups and whatnot, when BLAM! Random girl starts bleeding from her eye and is like “I don’t feel well,” or something like that. Then everyone screams “We got a biter! Biter! Biter!” They drag her behind a screen and her body explodes. Or at least I think it did. Oh no. Eventually, one of the military guys tells them to go find Beth and that there’s another helicopter leaving at some place if they can get to it at a certain time. He warns them of “Operation Hammerdown,” which is the backup plan calling for total destruction of Manhattan.

On to Beth’s apartment building. There are two buildings next to each other but one building was kind of collapsed (Beth’s building) and leaning against the other one. So they decide that they can go up the upright building and eventually crawl across to the other one. They walk up 57 flights of stairs and then crawl over on the roof and find Beth on the 39th floor. Beth is impaled with a giant nail or spike about 2 inches from her heart. But she’s still alive. They jack her off the nail. She’s still alive. She crawls across to the other building and then proceeds down 57 flights of stairs. She’s still alive.

So they find the helicopter transport mentioned by the military guy. Rob’s brother’s girlfriend gets in the first one, as they only have room for one. So the monster is fast approaching their area and they just slip into the next helicopter. So they’re flying away when they see the monster getting bombed back to the stone age. Hudson screams random tough-guy stuff, “Yeah, sucka, get some!” when BLAM! The monster takes down the helicopter, crashing it in Central Park. But guess what? They’re alive! In fact, the only deceased one is the pilot. So they get out of the helicopter crash and gingerly walk away. Then BLAM! The monster just randomly appears right on top of Hudson. So the monster stares down at the camera (it has these pulsating things that look like gills or something on its head). Then it shakes him violently and just throws him down. It doesn’t eat him, dismember him, or tear his body from limb to limb. It just shakes him to death and leaves his face totally intact.

Rob and Beth somehow escape and run under a bridge. They film their last goodbyes, tell each other “I love you.” when BLAM! they die. Then it cuts to a cute scene where the two are at Coney Island and Beth says, “I had a good day.”

So this movie sucks. Basically, what happened is that they had a really good idea for a trailer. But after they made the trailer, they decided that they had to attach it to an actual movie. So they threw 84 minutes of pure crap together and made gullible people want to go see it. And we bit. Like idiots.

I don’t understand what the film’s producers were trying to “hide” all this time. A stupid-looking monster? Terrible comic relief and Dane Cook impressions from the camera guy? Impossible escapes from death and injury that completely cancel out the realism factor provided by the unstoppable camera shakes? Or maybe it was the fact the monster was ripped off from the Scarab from Halo!!!!!!

Seriously, if you really want to see this movie, don’t.